On Announcing Your Handicap

As we all know, the Handicap System allows the highly handicapped
golfer to enjoy a round with Greg Norman. Right, Greg?
It is of paramount importance, therefore, to know how to  handle
yourself when queried about your “Handicaps.” You must know how
to mislead your opponent without feeling guilty because you lied.
When someone asks, “Well, what's your handicap?”, there are a
number of things you can say:
1. You can tell the truth and say, “I'm a 36,” and then proceed as
usual to ruin what would otherwise have been a pleasant
afternoon.
2. You can subtract 30 strokes from your actual handicap and
announce you are a“6,” but this is not amoney-making proposition,
which is the whole point, right? Also, if you say you're a “6” and
are therefore paired with a “24,” your partner will put a nine-iron
to your Solar Plexus by the third hole, because you are a  
Complete Jerk. (See Chapter 13.)
3. You can add 30 strokes to your handicap, thereby leading to the

embarrassing prospect of having to grin and mumble, “I'm a 66.”

You don't want  to do this either, unless you are a  Complete Jerk.
(See Chapter 13.)
4. Your best response is to repeat the old joke: “I usually shoot in the
80's; but if it gets any colder than that, I don't play at all.” You will
anger a lot of serious golfers with this one, but, using techniques
discussed later, you'll make money no matter what they think.
Screw ‘em.
P.S. Also never “plumb bob” your putts if you lie more than 10 on the
green. (See Chapter 13. You may well be a Complete Jerk already!)

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